Speck or log?

Once again there was a personal conflict and I am disappointed, hurt or angry. Or all of the above! First I have the feeling, the other person has reacted stupidly or unfairly. I think I am right and the other person is wrong. I ask myself, “How can she react like that?”

When my feelings slowly calm down, I look at the situation again with a little more brain and less emotion. Usually, a slightly different assessment emerges. I realize that I am not innocent in how events came about. Maybe I overlooked an agreement, had wrong expectations, communicated insufficiently, my stress level was already too high before, I’ve been bottling things up for too long, ignored my boundaries or didn’t communicate them, and so on. There are so many reasons why there can be problems with other people.

I think it’s important to look at the situation and ask myself honestly what is my responsibility and what is the other person’s responsibility. I call this “separating it out”: What’s yours, what’s mine? It takes two when there are problems!

When I recognize my part of it, I can fix it, take responsibility for it, apologize or whatever. As for the other person’s responsibility, I can address the problem, but I have to leave it up to them what they do with it. I don’t have to take on their responsibility, nor should I expect them to. But if I can open up and be vulnerable myself, there is a good chance that we can find a way to continue to move forward together.

Why, then, do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the log in your own eye?
Matt 7:3

Our behaviors, character and human quirks are meant with the terms speck and log. Mostly I see your little splinter, but I don’t notice my own big log. If I deal with it and look at situations more closely, I will discover my patterns over time. I will notice more and more in which situations my emotions surface (see also my blogpost “Trigger”) and how I “function”. I will get better and better at discerning what is your speck and what is my log. As I said before, I can work on my log, but not on your splitter – that’s your job.

I’ve said it over and over and I’ll repeat it again: It’s a matter of practice! We’re free to practice, we don’t have to be perfect (and will never be), we are allowed to be in a process and to make mistakes. However, we have a free will so we can blame others and see ourselves as victims. But then we don’t learn anything. This may be easier in the short term, but I wouldn’t recommend it. First of all, we achieve the same results over and over again with the same behavior. Furthermore, it’s not healthy, because everything that’s healthy should grow, develop and change – whether it is plants, our children or ourselves.

Can you bridle your tongue when your heart is under pressure? That’s how you show that you are wise. An understanding heart keeps you cool, calm, and collected, no matter what you’re facing.
Proverbs 17:27

This understanding heart develops when you repeatedly look with Jesus at situations that upset you and how you react. You get to know yourself and are forewarned, so to speak. You can also plan in advance how you could react differently in such situations (e.g. a short break in the bathroom, so your emotions calm down and your mind kicks in again). The better you know yourself, the better you will succeed in not confusing your log with other people’s specks. Jesus wants to help you with this – not criticizing and condemning, but encouraging and uplifting! Jesus is so compassionate and is always there for you! In prayer and in silence he will help you to remove your log. He will also help you to put up with the other person’s speck and take it in stride. Let Jesus help you!