Letting go of expectations

The topic of expectations has been on my mind again (see also previous post). Inspired by author Paul Young, who wrote “The Shack”, I looked at the connection between expectations and fear. He says that expectations are born out of fear. Yes, I can relate to that! Some examples:

I expect my friend to get back to me. (The fear behind this: she doesn’t like me or she would call me).
I expect my team leader to communicate clearly what should be done (The fear behind this: I don’t know what to do and I might do something wrong)
I expect my boss to indicate that I have done a good job (The fear behind this: She does not appreciate me or my work, I am a failure)
I expect my husband to ask me again and again how I am doing and that he really wants to know (The fear behind this: He doesn’t care about me, otherwise he would be more interested).

This last expectation is an issue with us in our marriage. I want my husband to be interested in me and show that by asking me questions to get to know me and my thoughts better. There is so much going on in my mind and emotions – does he care? When he doesn’t ask, I’m disappointed and I don’t see all his other ways of showing me his love. I get obsessed with this one behavior – and that backfires.

Having expectations of other people is like putting them in a corset and requiring them to do somersaults. That is also true for ourselves.

With expectations, the other person is under pressure to deliver something that they may not be able to deliver. Sometimes they don’t even know what is expected, but feel the pressure. The reaction to this is either attack, freezing or withdrawal. But these are not desired reactions. Expectations create distance. And they prevent me from truly perceiving people. You can ask yourself: Where do I have expectations of other people and what fear do these expectations point to?

The opposite of expectations is trust. Expectations confine, trust frees.

When I have trust in other people, I give them the freedom to give me what they can. They feel this freedom and will be more open to me. Trust is a step towards people.

That’s the same in my relationship with my husband. Because I trust him, I let go and can see how he expresses his love. And then I can express to him, without reproach in my voice, the desire that I would like to feel his interest in me by asking questions.

I don’t trust every person, but I trust God to lead me because I listen to him. I don’t have to give up my intelligence to do that! Only my fear! Trust is letting go of control. God says over and over in the Bible that we are not to be afraid. I may bring any fear to him and let it go.

If I have a trustworthy, expert guide for a big hiking trip, then I can trust that he will help me get over the difficult parts. And he will only guide me along paths that he knows I can handle. That’s how I imagine God.

Based on this certainty, I want to have great trust in God. Trust in the path that he is walking with me, that is, in my life with him. I also want to give trust and freedom to other people. This is what I hope to get from other people as well.

Imagine living without expectations of others because you know that God is with you now and always. You’re not afraid, but have trust in God and in life. In this freedom, relationships will flourish: those with God and those with the people around you!