Focus!

Recently, I was in a somewhat energy draining situation. There were several incidents where a colleague and I had difficulties with each other. I felt misunderstood and not taken seriously. Over time, there was a tension in the air that made it increasingly difficult to work together. The trust between us had been lost. I knew I should approach this person and initiate a conversation, but I was reluctant and put it off. Have you ever experienced this?

It’s like an outrigger canoe that’s stuck on the beach and really belongs on the open sea. To get there, I first have to push it through the sand until it reaches the water. Then I have to paddle hard to get over the waves on the beach. But then I’m on the open water and can paddle or even set sail at my leisure. It hardly takes any strength any more; it’s fun and we make progress.

If I only look at the strength and effort I have until I’m in the water and beyond the waves, then I’ll see the problem first and foremost. Then I will put off having a conversation with the colleague and find excuses why I am not tackling it. And my boat will get stuck deeper and deeper in the sand as time goes on.

But if I keep my focus on my goal, which is to move forward on the open sea or to work productively and trustfully with my colleague, then I will overcome my fears and have the courage to tackle the situation.

There are instructive verses in the Bible about this:

Do everything possible on your part to live in peace with everybody.
Romans 12:18

Instead, be kind and tender-hearted to one another, and forgive one another, as God has forgiven you through Christ.
Ephesians 4:32

The Word of God says we should be peaceful, kind, tenderhearted and forgiving of one another. That’s the goal.
To tackle your problem bring it first to God, trust Him to give you the right words and, most importantly, a peaceful, forgiving attitude for a conversation. In the first moment of a conflict, we feel that only the other person made a mistake. But often my behavior is also a problem for my colleague. Don’t pray for the other person to get punished, but that God will guide you both in a way that the tensions can be cleared up. Ask that God gives you ears to hear and understand what is going on in the other person. And ask God to show you again and again that he loves you, that your worth does not depend on the other person, and most of all that he is always with you. Pray for the situation and the person until you feel tenderhearted and you can also admit your own faults. Then you are ready to tackle the conversation.

Talking about conflicts is difficult. Many of us didn’t learn it during childhood, and even later in life we are afraid to bring up a conflict and talk about it.
 I can address this by getting to the bottom of the issue by looking at what is difficult for me and on the other hand what I hope for.

When I am ready, I take a step toward the other person and ask if we can sit together and discuss how we can work together with trust.

During the conversation, I can ask the other person what made the situation difficult for them and where they think the problem lies. Maybe a light will come on for me…
I can communicate that I am well-meaning and open and that I would like to work with them in a trusting way. I can ask what I can do differently to make it work better. What does the other person need from me? I may then also share my view of things and explain what’s difficult for me. I am also allowed to express wishes that I have. Only if I take a step toward the other person and do not place myself judgmentally above them, will the other person be open and also approach me. The other person also wants peace and trust in most cases!

But what if the other person, despite everything, does not cooperate and does not take responsibility for their part of the problem? In a business relationship, it is probably a talk with the boss and possibly a conversation between the three of you…The worst option is to swallow the problems, be angry on the inside and hope the problem simply goes away somehow. This is not healthy, because it permanently costs you energy and causes frustration.

The first step to a conversation is not easy – but usually the discomfort is gone afterwards and you are glad that you had the courage to do it! Keep your eye on the goal! Have fun sailing on the open sea and working joyfully in a good atmosphere! God loves you and is with you!