Are you happy?

My husband and I took an intensive marriage course last year. Intensive because it meant an evening course every week for 18 weeks (which also included homework) and because the content was very challenging. We were actually quite happy with our marriage – but we found that there were some issues that needed to be addressed.

One of the biggest issues was emotional intimacy. We talked to each other, but it rarely went deep. Questions like: “How are you?” were there. But the answer was quite often only: “Yes, I’m doing quite well.”
My husband took a suggestion from the class to heart and asked me: “Are you content?” It was easy to say yes! The next question was: “Are you happy?” This resulted in a two hour conversation, because I couldn’t say yes. Together we tried to get to the bottom of the matter. It was thought-provoking. In the course of such a conversation, dreams and wishes come up that are otherwise hidden away somewhere. Talking about them feels so good!

Even in conversations about sensitive subjects, topics that embarrass or hurt me, it feels so good when my partner remains supportive, is interested and digs deeper. It’s great when he puts up with me, even if the topic is unpleasant (or even when I am unpleasant).
Only in an atmosphere of trust can I be vulnerable. As long as my partner does not react critically or with “know-it-all” comments, I feel recognized, understood and appreciated. My partner supports me in difficult moments simply by listening, being interested and being patient.

Of course I support my partner in the same way. Our marriage now benefits a lot from the fact that our conversations go deeper than a year ago! (as I write this, we have been married for 26 years) The awareness of my partner’s way of thinking increases and so does the closeness to my partner – which also leads to more physical intimacy! God has planned marriage as a unity, emotionally and physically.

I’d like to encourage you to be vulnerable and open with trusted people who are close to you. Especially with your partner, even if in the beginning this may mean carefully “feeling each other out”. Real listening without a previously made assumption has to be learned. Goodwill is a basic requirement, even if mistakes have been made! Being vulnerable and admitting mistakes is anything but easy. And yet it feels so good to share feelings, to formulate inner motives and to experience that the other person doesn’t judge me, but still stands by me!

When you talk about your feelings, the burdens you carry become lighter and you feel your relationship grow stronger. The circumstances in your life don’t really change at that moment. But when the person you trust is for you and supporting you then your self-confidence will increase and either your attitude or your perspective will change!

This gives you peace of mind, you feel recognized and appreciated.
The stability that comes from the emotional closeness in a relationship makes you courageous and helps you tackle life with joy and confidence.